Blame it on the social network society- but I have become like a cat who plays with a mouse before I eat it and walk away, leaving its head and feet for my human to step on and scream. I’m not the only one. I see it more and more on Facebook and blog banter. I’m not sure I like it.
This all occurred to me today when I toyed cruelly with an unsuspecting dumbass who attacked me on Facebook. I knew it was cruel because I felt nothing. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t defensive. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t afraid. I was, in fact, amused. I did what I had to do. I baited and re-baited the trap and watched it snap and snap and snap. And I laughed. The laughing was guttural and snorty, from deep in my chest and sinus. Not the wholesome kind of open-mouthed donkey laughing – like when somebody falls in a hole. It was just mean.
The best thing about the attack was that it happened as soon as I woke up and during my morning routine whereupon I have hot coffee at arm’s length, an ashtray with a burning hot cigarette on the wash stand (yes, I have a wash stand), and my phone in hand. Also, the radio on the AM band where I am learning to accept the new talking-head named Greg Something as he bellows and argues and taunts some rotten politician or rule or law that I generally also don’t like. The attack was timely. It started my day just right. I love to be attacked in the morning.
So there I was, sucking hard on a hot Winston, blowing satisfying plumes of grey smoke into the bathroom and just reaching for my steaming cup when the phone bloinked and vibrated on the hamper. Odd and exciting. I hit the Facebook icon and bam: Garrett Mikkelson slammed my FB email with a giant, ugly, hateful and most delicious email calling me a “…fucking retarded bitch..” Naturally, I reeled with pleasure. What a great way to start the day. And it just kept getting better.
Garrett is only a virtual acquaintance but I recognized him right away. A week or so prior I set out to troll some GOP candidate’s Facebook pages. I landed on the Gingrich page. I skimmed the usual fan propaganda – mostly boring and predictable and I agree with some of it. Then I saw Garrett, also trolling but with a very different agenda: Big Ron Paul Fan. Big, Crazy Ron Paul Fan. And angry. Kept spewing frustrations and venom at the Gingrich fans and suggesting that Ron Paul is the only real choice for Commander in Chief and all who think otherwise should die (or, at least, piss off),
“…Its some small things to what our nation needs to get back on our feet. Tell me thats stupid or wrong and you can piss off.”
Garrett made several other inflammatory and fairly goofy comments on the Gingrich page, most of which were either ignored or summarily dismissed using simple logic. I have gone back and secured some of the comments so I can enjoy them again at my leisure. Here’s a good one- in response to an obviously well-read, well spoken Newt fan:
“…you must not fly very much.. Warrantless searches of autos on highways, naked body scanners that cause cancer, participation in illegal arms trade, lightposts that record conversations. It’s essentially a headless beast with no elected oversight.”
Wait… light posts that record conversations?? I missed that one the first time. I guess I need to look more into Ron Paul and his theories. He may be more fun than I originally thought instead of just annoying as hell, as I originally thought. I know, I know. Paul is not tripping on the same brown acid as my new best friend Garrett. But still. Nothing funnier than an extreme conspiracy nut. <*Footnote* (aka: body note) Turns out there are reports of these lamp post listening devices being used in other countries. Not sure if I believe it. But it almost makes it funnier.>
Garrett continued his coitus interuptus of the Gingrich orgy, commenting about war mongers and despicable candidates like Gingrich who love fighting wars. He insisted that this is his Country too and that he has a right to not be drafted or fight in a war,
“America was the reason because of the attacks, im sure this whole entire war was a set up. Its terrible that it’s happened. But we must move, Ron paul is the most genuine candidate there is. Its sad that he doesn’t get more publicity, because he wins just about every single poll there is. But whenever Cain, Romney or newt win something they bust out the balloons and bring out the band for excitement. This all just makes me sick to my stomach, any you james, need to educate yourself.”
While Garrett’s comments may seem almost too simplistic and benign for any decent person to even consider taunting – and to be clear – I did not taunt him in any way before this morning – he gets way, way more interesting. Trust me on this.
In spite of my intended troll-only objective, I could not resist a jab or two at Garrett and some others. I suggested young Garrett would defend his Country if it were truly his,
“Garrett Mikkelson if this were really your country, you would be willing to defend it. “
I replied to another Ron Paul Fan who is also an OWS supporter,
“Dxxxxx Brown Don’t you ‘occupy’ folks have a City park to clean up? Oh, wait.. that’s right.. working is for the 95% .. you know, the ones that fund all the losers and malingerers.”
And then I forgot about it. I got on with my day. My week. I worked. Cooked. Slept. Smoked cigarettes. I drank coffee. I celebrated Thanksgiving. I never once thought about Garrett or the other trolls. Then, I woke up this morning. Garrett Mikkelson formally introduced himself to me, up close and personal.
I’ll post the whole email from Garrett when I’m finished here. It’s short and violent. I posted part of it already on Ron Paul’s Facebook page. And the conspiracy shit-storm began. Ron Paul fan’s are a
distrustful bunch, anxious to share philosophies on gold and silver and greed and minding our own damned business. It was like throwing a bucket of honey on a picnic table and the ants and flys swarmed it and became a little frenzied. The rapid-fire responses began immediately after my posting of Garrett’s email and they were urgent – but gentle. Generally lacking any recognizable grammatical rule, they eagerly list suggestions that I join them in the conspiracy party, maybe try on a foil cap and under no circumstance should I save paper dollars in a bank account.
One guy suggested that I may have ‘made the whole thing up, that the email should be reported to the police, not to Facebook,
“ What you are doing is lowering your credibility to the claim that anyone actually did send you that message.”
Others suggest I immediately call the police and let Zuckerberg know about Garrett’s email. Because Zuckerberg needs to know, they said. And I should get Garrett’s IP address and,
“… be sure to save the emails.”
I immediately received a friend request from a Ron Paul Fan. It was creepy and fun and I couldn’t stop for awhile. I’m still not finished. But I’ve got it all on hold until I can think it through and load my .38.
In the meantime, the following is the conversation that started my day:
Garrett Mikkelson: You’re a fucking retarded bitch. Calling occupiers losers?.. and your god damn right i would defend this country.
Garrett Mikkelson: Next time watch what you say on public sites.
Me: or what?
Garrett Mikkelson: You’ve just proved your ignorance. Or else i’ll find you, cut you up into little pieces then feed you to my dog. Honestly people like you never cease to amaze me. Still living in Indiana?