I watched a local news program this morning.  The news actors reminded viewers to ‘like and follow’ them on social media sites because watching them on television is not painful enough.   Plus, following them on Facebook and Twitter guarantees viewers won’t miss a single glimpse into the clever personalities they have worked so hard to create for us.

To make the news feeds even more fun, social media news managers occasionally add yummy recipes and tidbits on how to properly raise kids or how to stay warm when it’s cold outside. I mean these people are just downright essential to fans all over the metro area. I’m not sure how I even function without them.  Local news is not just the news anymore.

About the time I posted this piece last year is when I stopped following my local news stations on social media. I don’t have the self-control to avoid making snarky comments for which I am violently thrashed and beaten nearly to death by fans of the station.  It’s not that I care much what the rocket scientists news fans think of me personally but it is a nuisance to wake up in the morning with 57 notifications–52 of which are hate-filled comments about my remark.  Several of the comments come from the news actors themselves demanding to know my qualifications for not liking them.   As my friends in Texas say, the juice just ain’t worth the squeeze anymore.

BREAKING NEWS:

KCTV666: Grab a tissue readers because this next story is relly, relly sad. A real tragedy. Okay, so a guy was walking down a street in the metro and he did something relly mean to another guy walking on the same street. Cops were called and we are waiting for more details. I’ve been crying all day!! Should people be allowed to be relly mean to others on the same street? Keep the comments nice please!

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Betsy Simple: Uh, KCTV666, you misspelled really.. like four times.

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KCTVT666:  So sorry but please give us a break!! We’ve been working around the clock with team  coverage on the mean guy story!!! We’re just human!

Frog Legs Jimmy: Betsy, don’t be an asshole. There just human. Liten up.

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Betsy Simple:   FL Jimmy, go watch cartoons. Liten is not a word and it’s they’re, not there. You should apply for a job with KCTV666. You’d fit right in.

June Bland :   OMG!! I can’t believe you people! This poor guy was abused by a mean guy and all you can talk about is grammar and spelling! I’m praying for you along with the victim here.   SMH. Thanks for telling this important story KCTV666…I’m actually sobbing here! We need a prayer chain!!

Jillian Snoot: Look, I live next door to the mean guy and nobody really knows the whole story here.  There’s much more to it. KCTV666 should not have reported this before the facts are out.

KCTV666: Jillian, do you have details? Can you call the station right away? How are you feeling about your neighbor being mean to another person?

Gladys Kravitz: Oh my! I’m pretty sure I saw the mean guy earlier today when he walked by my house. I knew something was wrong with him.. he was walking so fast and he had a look on his face.. I followed him for several blocks but I lost him when he got in a tiny white truck with blue stripes and drove off on the wrong side of the road!!  I should have called the news station! I’m crying now too.

Big Kahuna: No Gladys you should have called the police, not the news station. You could have stopped this whole incident. Now the other guy had to go through this horrible meanness because of your stupid decision.   This whole thing is your fault. I can’t believe how irresponsible you are. Somebody should be mean to you and see how you like it.

Abner Kravitz: Gladys Kravitz that was not the mean guy. That was the mail carrier delivering the mail and it wasn’t a man anyway it was a woman. You ran out in a such a hurry you grabbed my glasses instead of yours. Please get away from the window. I’ve told you a thousand times.

Lily Rainbow: Abner you are such a homophobe.   I hope you go to jail and drop the soap so you know what it’s like to be different. Stop judging!!

KCTV666: Abner please don’t get ugly or we’ll have to delete your comments and maybe block you.

Abner Kravitz: Huh?

John Allen: So is there an update to the story or what? Is the abuse victim going to be okay?

KCTV666: John Allen we’re working as fast as we can and we have other big news coming up soon so give us a break, we’re only humane.

Betsy Simple: You mean human?

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Garcia Smith: I made 6,000 dollars this week with one simple trick…you don’t even need a computer to do this same trick yourself and live the good life like me… click here: htps://ww.bankhackersrus.com

Jim Snot: Seriously? Is this really news?

Cindy Clawfoot: Don’t be a d*ckweed. Some of like to know what’s going on in our town. If you don’t like KCTV666 go to another page!!!

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Holly Crenshaw: Omg.. I’m crying. That poor guy!!! I hate mean guys! Once a guy was mean to me and I’ve never gotten over it! I feel so bad. This story made me cry.

KCTV666: Holly..please call the station. We would love to hear your story of meanness.   Was it the same mean guy as in our exclusive story? I’m crying just thinking of it and I have to get some more Klinex.

Betsy Simple: You mean Kleenex?

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Shitheada Jackson: Betsy you are plain racist. Shame on you.

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Jim snot: How could she possibly know if it was the same mean guy since you haven’t released his name?

KCTV666: We’re doing the best we can, please be patient.

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Betsy Simple: How exactly am I a racist for correcting this nimrod’s spelling?

Shitheada Jackson: Everybody knows the reporter is from Independence. Don’t play dumb. Own it.

Cindy Clawfoot: Can we please get back to the mean guy? Has he been caught? I’m so scared! I’ll never sleep tonight.

KCTV666: Cindy we have team coverage on this breaking story but the police will not release any information until the guy who the mean guy was mean to is identified. We’re working as fast as we can so please try to understand that a news station is very busy trying to report all the breaking news stories. We’re just human.

Dim Wittle: I’m confused. First you said the guy was walking along on the south side of the street and then a mean guy crosses the street and was mean to the guy? Was the mean guy walking north? It just doesn’t make sense.

KCTV666: LOOK JUST PELASE READ THE STORY. ALL THE DETALES ARE THERE. ITS OUR JOB TO TELL THE STORY BUT WE ARE JUST HUMAN.

Betsy Simple: … I just.. can’t even.. wtf?

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Roscoe Atkins: KCTV666: Worst News station on the air. Seriously. Who cares about another mean guy?   Mean guys are everywhere. Grow up.

Sue Tender: omg. You are so mean too. I’m crying now. I’m so grateful for KCTV666 staying on top of this story. What a jerk. You should go to jail or get some help. I’ll pray for you. When I finish crying.

Timmy Weedknees: Can anybody give me an idea of what era the American Revolution took place in? Just generally? Like what year?

KCTV666: Timmy this is not the place to get help with your homework. It’s so late, why are you up? Is your mother home? Can you have her call the station? Does anybody here think Timmy is up too late? Should we call social services? Anybody know this kid? Timmy can you PM your phone number? Do you have any weapons in the house? Or drugs? Is your father in the home?

Common Sense: Your liberal bias is showing.

Shittz Bier: bigot.

Gladys Kravitz: I think I know that kid’s parents.. they go to my church. Let me check, I think I have the number on my phone.

Abner Kravitz: Gladys, I’m turning off the internet.

Big Kahuna: What the hell is happening with the mean guy? Can’t you news people just do your jobs?

KCTV666: PLEASE! WE ARE JUST HUMANS.

Betsy Simple: If you say that one more time I’m stabbing you.

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KCTV666: OKAY PEOPLE, we have breaking information about the breaking news story about the mean guy. Turns out he is not really mean (sort of) and he is not really a he.. he is a she. (Should we do a story on women who look like men? PM the station if you know any women who look like men).   She is a mail carrier and a piece of mail blew out of her truck and the victim accidently stepped on the mail and the mean woman was trying to caution the victim not to step on the mail because it is a Federal offense and the victim misunderstood and started crying. Poor guy. I love men who cry!! It makes me sob!! OH no!! More Klingeex.

Betsy Simple: I hate you.

Gladys Kravitz: Abner Kravitz!!! I told you the mail carrier was mean! I was right! I solved the crime! Come to the back door.. something strange is going on next door!

KCTV666; Gladys, please call the station right away. We’ll send a crew over.

Betsy Simple: There was no crime.

Abner Kravitz: Get away from the window Gladys.

Big Kahuna: So there is no mean guy?

Baggy Pants: you people are such losers.   It makes me want to cry.

KCPD: kctv666, Please stop reporting this non story, stat. The station has been flooded with calls. Gladys Kravitz, please quit calling the station, and yes we have your address. Also, please tell Abner the answer is no, it would not be considered self-defense.

KCTV666: Baggy please call the station about a story we are doing about men crying on social media.

Cindy Clawfoot: omg. Please give an update on Mean Guy.

Betsy Simple: Clawfoot can you read at all?

Shitheada Jackson: racist.

Rainbow Flower: Even if their was not real story hear I think it important that we dont forget how mean people can be and how bad it hurts other people.   Many people get their feelings hurt everyday and it is just to sad.

Betsy Simple: Where do you live Rainbow?

KCTV666: Omc I’m crying again!! Thanks readers for relly making this story worthwhile. I’m so touched.

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